Day 6, not so great.

Well today has been tough, although I'm still coping! :-) I've decided to take a little break from social media, because the cycle of paranoia, self-questioning, and inability to judge what is a rational reaction is seriously compromised. I read into comments and find things that just aren't there, so I get upset. Then my rational brain says I'm seeing things that just aren't there, so I tell myself off. Next, I avoid all reactions to anything, because I can no longer gauge what the appropriate response is.

For example, someone might ask "How are you?". Simple enough, except not so for my brain. I think that the person doesn't really want to know that I'm going off meds, am crazy, etc., so I say "I'm fine". Then I resent the person for not being genuinely interested  and I question why they bothered asking me in the first place. This leads to our whole relationship being in doubt, and then my defensive walls go up. It drives me mad.

And then sometimes, I just don't want to answer. I want people to take me as I come, up and down (within reason), just as I have to take on however I feel that hour/day/year. It's hard enough having a continual heavy-duty conversation in my head literally all day, every day, without including someone else too.

It all unravels when I just don't know how to talk to anyone anymore. I have to consider their feelings, but I'm not sure of what they actually are most of the time. I can't read myself, I can't read other people, which makes social interaction just an absolute nightmare. My brain is constantly battling the dark demons of not wanting to move, do anything or even live sometimes. Social interaction is something I have to just distance myself from because I don't know how to deal with me and neither does anyone else.

So, following that outpouring that I'm not even sure makes sense to me, I'm stepping away from the keyboard. One foot in front of the other. Must not forget that. 

Vix Xx

Two posts!

Wow, a second post! I can't tell you the number of times I've tried to start a blog, and it's just floundered before it's even begun. My brain goes down all the avenues of problems and failure, and I just decide it's better to sit on my hands. 

Today is Day 5 of the reduction in fluoxetine. I saw my psychiatrist and CPN (community psychiatric nurse) last Friday, and we made a plan of how we're going to go about the whole situation of coming off meds, what we'll do if it goes badly, and what we're ideally going to do. It's going to be 10-12 weeks of very gradual reduction for the fluoxetine, and even then I'm struggling. There have been two previous attempts on my part, to reduce this medication, and both have ended with me literally sobbing and rocking in a corner of my lounge by day 4. 

I'm starting to feel a little edgy now. I have had the odd vision of a bird flying past my eyes, even though I'm inside. It's something that happened frequently before the anti-psychotics, so I'm hoping it's just my brain settling with less of the fluoxetine. I am intolerably tired, although I can't establish if that's meds related or not. It's a battle of wills in my brain as to wanting to just stick with my 'happy' dosage, and reduce because we, as a family, have bigger plans. 

I am super proud of myself for managing to get out and do my Aquafit session this morning. Even at my best, I am terrible at being able to leave the house. I find social interaction so difficult because I am far too sensitive and read into details that just aren't there. It's less physically and mentally taxing to just cope with my own company, although it's still a challenge.

Today is quiet for another couple of hours whilst Squash is enjoying nursery. I am so grateful that I have a wonderful childcare provider, who puts me at great ease when I leave him.

I'm hoping my thoughts and words will become less higgledy piggledy as I get used to actually writing the craziness down! Please bear with me.


Vix Xx   

I don't know how long my blogging journey is going to be...

So, I'm a mental mama. Short and sweet, eh? Okay, I'll share a little more, seeing as though this is a blog ;-) I'm Vix, I'm 26 and a mum to one happy chappy. I was finally diagnosed as bi-polar in 2011, after having a unipolar/depression diagnosis since the age of 15. I also have Anankastic personality disorder, also known as Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder - please do not confuse this with OCD. I suffer predominantly with depression, with rapid cycles of hypomania. I am currently on 60mg of the antidepressant Fluoxetine (better known as Prozac), and 250mg of the antipsychotic Quetiapine.

I've decided to blog, because I am active in campaigning for other health issues, and I desperately want to break the taboos about mental illness and it's sufferers. I would like to make it clear - this is a personal blog about my journey. All our paths are different, and I cannot speak for all of us, nor am I trying to. What I am doing, is sharing what it's like to be me, with my problems, and to give a little insight into how the mentally different mind can think. I live by the sea in Yorkshire. I love it here and find the steadier pace of life much more suited to me than the city life I grew up in. I am happily married, a fact of which I am very proud, as there is a huge increase in the chances of divorce where one party is bipolar. My son, Squash, is 3 now and a bundle of chirpy energy. I run my own little crafty business, but I'll talk more about that in good time.

My other health problems include me being a severe brittle asthmatic, having the lung condition bronchiectasis, rheumatoid arthritis and CFS/ME. These conditions, I believe, are inextricably linked with my mental health issues. This seems a good time for me to start blogging, as I am just starting to reduce my meds in order for me to try for baby #2. I hope documenting my ups and downs, will keep me sane and allow me to look back at how much I can come through!

Vix Xx